In high school, I stayed steady at about 148 or so during soccer season. Ha! Its funny that I thought I was chubby then. Obviously, I gained the "freshman 15," even though I didn't go to college. It was no big deal to me at the time, "15? Whatever." Gaining weight has been easy for me ever since my early 20s. I'm pretty sure that is when the compulsive eating (and yo-yo dieting) began. I was 20 and 163lbs and I was dating a guy who was already much larger than me and worked at a pizza joint. He worked late, so we ate late. He brought me whole pizzas and pints of Ben and Jerry's and, because I had waited to eat with him, I was always ready to binge with him on the late-night snacks. I gained about 15 lbs while we were dating, at least 15. When he dumped me, I went on a super-emotional-workout marathon and lost 22lbs in about 3 weeks, back down to 153. Boom! Gone! I was sure that he would realize his mistake when I showed up to collect my stuff. As those stories go, he didn't and I went on some kind of I-don't-even-know phase. I can't remember what happened in the next year, other than there were a few family deaths and I moved in with one of my best friends. I'm not even sure when the weight began to creep back on or how I was eating at the time to allow it. I do remember that another bunch-o-lbs made its way onto my body when I started working in the medical field. This was back when drug reps were still allowed to bring us lunches and we ate like kings! When Sam got married, I was 24 (if my math is correct) and wore the bridesmaid dress at 184lbs. A short time later, Kristan and I were walking a lot in preparation for her wedding and because we had a good time doing it and sometimes, we got burgers and beer after. She got married almost a year after Sam did, I was back down again and wore her bridesmaid dress at 167lbs. That September, I turned 25 and with yet another heartbreak and depression, I gained almost 30lbs through the winter and that spring was at 193, the heaviest I'd ever been. My weight has steadily gone up since then, with a few small losses here and there, but still up-up-up! Today, I weighed in at 209.1 pounds.
There is no control for me and willpower is useless when you have none. When all you can think about is food: where the best is and how to get it, how much it will cost and how it doesn't mater, fried food or baked food? it doesn't matter as long as it is seasoned and comes with french fries, choosing not to count calories because you don't want to know how bad it really is, justifying the pint of ice cream with "I worked hard today," bragging about how you can eat 10 hot dogs or a whole pizza in one sitting, eating for comfort when you're not hungry, being able to easily polish off an entire MELT sandwich and its slaw and fries, eating all the bacon as long as you don't eat any toast, eating healthy in front of people and soon after, binging on junk at home, bargaining and binging and bargaining and binging. THIS is my relationship with food. THIS is why my weight as yo-yoed so much in the last ten years.
I know what you may be thinking, "just stop eating so much." I have tried this many, many times, it always ends in a binge that lasts for weeks or even months.
I am an addict. My drug is food. Food is always there for me and I manipulate it and myself so that it never lets me down. Food makes me feel good. It is something I can feel control over. Eating makes me happier than almost anything else in my life. Eating is present in social settings and in the privacy of my own home. Food in a social setting provides a connection with friends that I don't feel any other time. Eating at home provides the privacy to eat more than my fair share and then some without being embarrassed. I've been spending a lot more time at home alone in the last year than I have ever in my life. Ergo, I have been binging more than I have ever in my life. While I have tried it in the past, purging after a binge is unpleasant enough to stop me from continuing the practice. Though, I don't know which is worse: purging or the fact that I don't ever feel so full that I have to.
My breaking point was two Thursdays ago. I came home after a particularly exhausting work day and on the way I stopped and picked up a pizza, a 12oz tub of fat-free sour cream, and a package of strawberry wafer cookies. I at half the package of cookies on short drive home. The sour cream I used to make ranch dip for the already cut up peppers in my fridge. I told myself that if I ate as many peppers as I could prior to the pizza being ready, I wouldn't eat so much pizza. Makes sense, right? Before I knew it, the tub of ranch dip was gone and so were 3 bell peppers. I was no longer hungry, but I still wanted a piece of pizza. Within an hour, I had eaten the entire pizza, save for a quarter or so of the crust where I had eaten the toppings and cheese. This much food would make most normal people bust. I did not bust. I did not feel the least bit physically sick. I tolerated the half-package of cookies, the entire tub of dip, three bell peppers, and a whole freaking delux pizza in a matter of an hour and a half and I felt fine. Full, but fine. Its not like I wasn't having an internal conversation while all of it was happening. I kept thinking, "Oh, this is not good for me, I should stop," but I didn't. I couldn't. The control I felt wasn't real. When it was all said and done, I looked at myself and all that I devoured and I decided I needed help.
Since then, I have talked to friends, found some help programs, and seen some doctors. We all agree that my problem is not physiological, it is completely mental and emotional. However, unlike other addictions such as drugs and alcohol, I cannot survive without mine. According to the weight management physician I saw today, appetite suppressants won't work for me, because I don't eat due to hunger. She also declined to put me on antidepressant medication at this time. This is fine, I want to try the non-medication approach first.
I started a program last night and I liked what I saw and felt and I'll likely be continuing it. I exercised today and my diet for the last two days has been better, not great, but better than it has been recently. I contacted my dietician to get a new diet plan from her, one that I can stick to and get results with that doesn't make me hate everything. Therapy is going to be important in this journey as well and I have a good doc for that, too.
Friends and family, I am asking you for your understanding and patience with me in these months/years to come. I'm taking steps and moving forward to recover from this downward spiral I have gotten myself into. I am not exaggerating when I say this is going to be extremely difficult for me. I will appreciate your support.
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